a radio was on.

dear readers. I have a new doctor on the west coast--I think of her as the love child of alternative medicine (she studied under Dr. Andrew Weil) and scorched earth medicining.  She is working at my behest on everything from carefully chosen supplements (based on blood work rather than on my haphazard approach, which has been to add everything I read about with some relationship to cancer--the Chinese mushrooms, the ginger tonics, the beautifully named astragulus), to emotional healing (which involves a kind of meditation where I imagine fire flies flickering in all parts of my body--not that she told me to do that--it is just what comes up when I am very very quiet (and it must be remnants of several years in Clintonville, Ohio, as a young child, when we played outside at dusk amongst the twinkling fireflies and the diving, swooshing bats)), to a review of all of the relevant clinical trials both to make sure we aren't missing any opportunities now and for later, when the cancer m

dear readers. I have a new doctor on the west coast--I think of her as the love child of alternative medicine (she studied under Dr. Andrew Weil) and scorched earth medicining.  She is working at my behest on everything from carefully chosen supplements (based on blood work rather than on my haphazard approach, which has been to add everything I read about with some relationship to cancer--the Chinese mushrooms, the ginger tonics, the beautifully named astragulus), to emotional healing (which involves a kind of meditation where I imagine fire flies flickering in all parts of my body--not that she told me to do that--it is just what comes up when I am very very quiet (and it must be remnants of several years in Clintonville, Ohio, as a young child, when we played outside at dusk amongst the twinkling fireflies and the diving, swooshing bats)), to a review of all of the relevant clinical trials both to make sure we aren't missing any opportunities now and for later, when the cancer

The first snow of the long winter fell this week.  We knew it was early because the blanket of snow was liberally sprinkled with autumn leaves, and we had to scramble with the new snowplow.  Thanks to Kyle and Kim, the boys were outfitted with boots and mittens, but my mind wasn't there. I found myself drifting to the California shore of last month, with its cypress trees and the surfers looping themselves down the rocky cliff, one hand on the guide rope, the other arm clutching a surfboard.  As some of you know, when I get blue, my tendency is to go inward, and I'm not sure that's all wrong.  I am building days with writing and yoga and children and bundled up walks with the dog.  It pains me that suddenly the bog is buried under snow--I'm hoping the temperature will linger in the forties long enough to melt the path through to clear, so we can trudge through a bit longer. I went to visit a friend who is patiently suffering through a long stint in rehab after a long su

The first snow of the long winter fell this week.  We knew it was early because the blanket of snow was liberally sprinkled with autumn leaves, and we had to scramble with the new snowplow.  Thanks to Kyle and Kim, the boys were outfitted with boots and mittens, but my mind wasn't there. I found myself drifting to the California shore of last month, with its cypress trees and the surfers looping themselves down the rocky cliff, one hand on the guide rope, the other arm clutching a surfboard.  As some of you know, when I get blue, my tendency is to go inward, and I'm not sure that's all wrong.  I am building days with writing and yoga and children and bundled up walks with the dog.  It pains me that suddenly the bog is buried under snow--I'm hoping the temperature will linger in the forties long enough to melt the path through to clear, so we can trudge through a bit longer. I went to visit a friend who is patiently suffering through a long stint in rehab after a long

All the leaves are brown (all the leaves are brown) And the sky is grey (and the sky is grey) I've been for a walk (I've been for a walk) On a winter's day (on a winter's day) I'd be safe and warm (I'd be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.) California dreamin' (California dreamin') On such a winter's day. Okay, I hear you.  It's not winter, some golden and orange and red leaves cling defiantly to the trees, and I was in Northern California, not L.A.--two very different beasts.  Still, you hear me. I need to thank many of you for sending me to California on a week-long cancer retreat.  I've been back over a week now, with Halloween right in the middle, and I find myself longing for the people I fell in love and like with during my respite.  It was a marvelous time, for many reasons, and I'm so grateful for the break from my usual programming. Better than expected was the food and the atmosphere and the incredible deep and sp

All the leaves are brown (all the leaves are brown) And the sky is grey (and the sky is grey) I've been for a walk (I've been for a walk) On a winter's day (on a winter's day) I'd be safe and warm (I'd be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.) California dreamin' (California dreamin') On such a winter's day. Okay, I hear you.  It's not winter, some golden and orange and red leaves cling defiantly to the trees, and I was in Northern California, not L.A.--two very different beasts.  Still, you hear me. I need to thank many of you for sending me to California on a week-long cancer retreat.  I've been back over a week now, with Halloween right in the middle, and I find myself longing for the people I fell in love and like with during my respite.  It was a marvelous time, for many reasons, and I'm so grateful for the break from my usual programming. Better than expected was the food and the atmosphere and the incredible

You remember how my office used to be, don't you? Someone in the chair across from me, possibly weeping, someone right outside the office, resting her weight on one foot and then the other, and then there was likely someone else doing repeated drive-bys, walking the inner circle of hallway and looking through the glass wall, hoping I would free up.  Emails were flying into my inbox and I was late for a call.  And I loved it. I loved problem solving, and the listening, and it wasn't necessarily a healthy way to live, but I was surrounded by people all day long.  I would talk on the phone for the hour ride home, and walk in to a house full of kids, people clamoring for attention here, too.  The busyness was an opiate, it was how I knew I was in the world.  I didn't save lives but I felt alive.  Needed. Sometimes it's so quiet around here, you could drop that pin. I hear from a couple people every single day--but the number of people seeking me out particularly has dropped

You remember how my office used to be, don't you? Someone in the chair across from me, possibly weeping, someone right outside the office, resting her weight on one foot and then the other, and then there was likely someone else doing repeated drive-bys, walking the inner circle of hallway and looking through the glass wall, hoping I would free up.  Emails were flying into my inbox and I was late for a call.  And I loved it. I loved problem solving, and the listening, and it wasn't necessarily a healthy way to live, but I was surrounded by people all day long.  I would talk on the phone for the hour ride home, and walk in to a house full of kids, people clamoring for attention here, too.  The busyness was an opiate, it was how I knew I was in the world.  I didn't save lives but I felt alive.  Needed. Sometimes it's so quiet around here, you could drop that pin. I hear from a couple people every single day--but the number of people seeking me out particularly has dropp

I wrote this on the evening of the senate judiciary hearing: I'm listening to the boys downstairs, watching a movie with Kim and Zoe, relaxing after a day of first grade.  Which you know was arduous in its own way, despite our tendency to think of our children's lives as simpler, or easier than the lives we live.  Asher and a neighbor girl, who is also a gorgeous, healthy six year old, are in the same classroom. Asher brought home a book on dogs from the library today--he told me the neighbor girl showed him where the pets section was in the stacks.  Just that--that sweet interaction, layered with no extra meaning--she knew more about the layout of the library than him and she showed him. Today, with the radio and the television tuned to the Supreme Court hearings, the relative innocence of six year olds could break your heart.  For me, the testimony about the laughter resonated deepest, deeper even than the testimony about the second door. "Indelible in the hippocampus is

I wrote this on the evening of the senate judiciary hearing: I'm listening to the boys downstairs, watching a movie with Kim and Zoe, relaxing after a day of first grade.  Which you know was arduous in its own way, despite our tendency to think of our children's lives as simpler, or easier than the lives we live.  Asher and a neighbor girl, who is also a gorgeous, healthy six year old, are in the same classroom. Asher brought home a book on dogs from the library today--he told me the neighbor girl showed him where the pets section was in the stacks.  Just that--that sweet interaction, layered with no extra meaning--she knew more about the layout of the library than him and she showed him. Today, with the radio and the television tuned to the Supreme Court hearings, the relative innocence of six year olds could break your heart.  For me, the testimony about the laughter resonated deepest, deeper even than the testimony about the second door. "Indelible in the hippocamp

This morning, I opened the cupboard door to get a coffee mug to make Kyle some coffee and a small jar of honey came hurtling out as if it had been pitched, hard, by a tiny elf (I couldn't help thinking of those elves that helped the shoemaker and his wife at night, wondering if they had a miscreant cousin whose job is to try and create small kitchen accidents.  But I digress.).  The jar just missed my head--I am almost sure it was going so fast I felt a small gust of wind.  It shattered on the floor, leaving me in bare feet, surrounded by honey and broken glass. So this jar of honey was a gift from a dear friend on the evening of Rosh Hashanah; she gave it to me with a bag of apples and together we dipped apple slices into the honey and wished each other a sweet new year. What does it mean that my symbol of a sweet new year, a year in which I hope to be inscribed in the book of life, flew out of my cupboard, pitched for my head and smashed to pieces?  At first I thought I was lucky

This morning, I opened the cupboard door to get a coffee mug to make Kyle some coffee and a small jar of honey came hurtling out as if it had been pitched, hard, by a tiny elf (I couldn't help thinking of those elves that helped the shoemaker and his wife at night, wondering if they had a miscreant cousin whose job is to try and create small kitchen accidents.  But I digress.).  The jar just missed my head--I am almost sure it was going so fast I felt a small gust of wind.  It shattered on the floor, leaving me in bare feet, surrounded by honey and broken glass. So this jar of honey was a gift from a dear friend on the evening of Rosh Hashanah; she gave it to me with a bag of apples and together we dipped apple slices into the honey and wished each other a sweet new year. What does it mean that my symbol of a sweet new year, a year in which I hope to be inscribed in the book of life, flew out of my cupboard, pitched for my head and smashed to pieces?  At first I thought I was luc